She immediately remembers what sleep helped her to forget, as soon as she opens her eyes to the new spring air around her. She falls into her duvet; further and further. She squeezes her eyes shut too hard. She wants to sleep. She doesn't want to sleep. She's surprised to find herself enjoying the feeling of security her duvet is giving her. If it wasn't for that feeling she would assume her whole body has gone numb.
She's never felt numb before. Not until the day before. Before then she didn't really know of the feeling. She wouldn't have been able to describe it, for sure. "It's for the best," he said. She wanted to scream that it couldn't be- how could it be for the best? But her body wasn't responding how it had been for the last sixteen years. She was stuck. Trapped. In the most amount of pain she'd ever experienced. And also the least amount of pain. Numb.
She hears moving about outside her bedroom door and she immediately finds rescue in her pillow. She closes her eyes and tries to breathe steadily. Asleep. Pretend to be asleep. "Honey?" her mother quietly disturbs the threatening silence in her room. She assumes her mother is looking at her. Sad. Worried. She continues to pretend to sleep and after a few minutes she leaves.
She lets out a big breath and feels instantly lighter. And then her chest feels tight. Was she supposed to avoid everyone for ever?
She argues with herself for a few moments. She begs herself not to look. She always knew it was a pointless struggle. She opens up pictures of her and him. Her and him. Numb. It's back.
She stares at her favourite photograph. It isn't the best quality and yet it represents one of her happiest nights. He took her out for dinner. Like a princess. That's how she felt. She is smiling in the picture. The happiest smile in the world. Until you see his. Maybe his is the happiest smile. He told her he is the luckiest boy alive that night. Despite the wars she has with herself, she believed him.
She believed everything.
Numb. She is becoming more numb. Is that possible? To become more numb doesn't make much sense, and yet she was feeling herself falling into more and more numbness.
She begs herself not to and she does anyway. With her thumb she strokes the happiest, loveliest face. "No," she whimpers and allows herself to fall into her tears. She loses grip of her phone. She cries. And cries. She cries until her mother runs in, hugs her and she wails. Numb. Numb.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
Hope & Future,
The Girl in the Moonlight.
P.S. I have managed to nearly catch myself up! I am blogging twice every day this month and have one more to write today before the last day tomorrow! You can read my last post HERE!