Last week I was in a situation that I feel awful about but also I feel I was a bit misjudged. I feel really gutted I wasn't given the chance to prove something but I'm also really sorry (this is an ironically timed post considering yesterday's post).
I went to a drop in session at my local GP because I hadn't booked an appointment and when I arrived, I saw my friend in the queue. My first mistake was this: I popped - and I mean popped - in the queue to say hi and have a natter because we had a while until it was open. I know now I won't do this again because although I checked that people weren't angry about it, I completely understand why this could make people uncomfortable. I had every intention to join back to the end of the queue but I do think I shouldn't have done this (I, too, would have felt uncomfortable if I was in the queue first).
As the doctor's opened, people went in, and I was going to go in, stand to one side and join the back of the queue as I don't know who I cut in front of. Naturally the man that stopped me couldn't read my mind. A man (well within his rights) pointed out there were people before me and because it knocked me off guard I can't say that I know for sure that I didn't cut in front of people that were there before me anyway, although I sincerely hope I did. Because I got a bit panicky I just had a moment and hoped I wasn't cutting in before anyone I shouldn't, but potentially did. Although the woman gestured for me to go in front of her, I feel so gutted and guilty.
So, of course I wish I could apologise again to anyone I may have cut in front of in the grand scheme of things. I also wish I didn't wait to let people in front of me because obviously it made me look bad. However I understand the man's point and he was very polite about it. I also wish the man didn't jump the gun and gave me a chance to prove myself, although I naturally understand why he did say something before I had the chance to do something- for which I cannot blame him for.
I feel entirely responsible for this situation and incredibly guilty. It was an innocent mistake but I do feel like there's a chance I cut in fron of one or two people who were there before me which is entirely unfair as they were at the doctor's first (potentially- I really hope I didn't!) and were there for a reason, which makes me feel so, so bad. A friendly reminder because of the guilt I feel: Don't do this.
So, with a few words on the internet, I want to apologise that I cut in front (despite strong intentions to not actually go through with cutting in the queue). I want to suggest we give people a chance to prove themselves (although not leave it too late in case they don't- which I suppose is the man's way of thinking), and I want to assure myself that I had good intentions not to do anyone any injustice although I understand any discomfort caused and quite frankly, I did wrong anyway. Side note: It was such an odd situation that my mind was very confused and I wasn't sure how I was effectively going to carry out my plan so in all honestly, I'm glad the man stopped me because I think there was a chance I could have panicked and handled it awfully by not going through with my plans- which is plain wrong and although it would have been an innocent mistake of me getting caught up in panic, I am glad I have the reassurance that someone did make sure I definitely didn't do too much wrong. (It's a hard situation to explain but I want to write this post honestly because I know my panic can lead me to getting confused as much as I wouldn't have done this with malice in mind.)
Quite frankly, this post makes me look like an awful person. Although I know it was an innocent mistake which then became confused in a state of panic, I do think I could have prevented the situation and handled it much better. I have spent a week considering not to post this because I know I feel awful and won't do it again, but we do make mistakes and this is one of mine. It's one I feel incredibly bad about and one I am very sorry for. This isn't a post to try and feel like it was any less of my fault, just a warning to make actions clearer (I should have quickly said hello and joined the back), to give people a chance (I really didn't want to act badly but in all fairness to the man, I know there's a chance I could have panicked and not done what I should have done and for this alone, I apologise), to say sorry at the time (I feel like I didn't apologise well enough and I wish I did *sad face*), and even if you're not actually going to jump the queue, don't do it in the first place (or at least make your intentions clear- which I tried but failed to do!). I also know this situation will make sure that I will control my panic (if I would have ended up carrying on because I felt so awkward, I know now to sort the situation out as quickly as possible so I don't get swept up by panic).
I made a mistake last week but am happy to say I have definitely learnt a valuable lesson. I want to stress that I meant no harm (but this isn't the point, of course) and I wanted so badly to clear it up in the first place, but that doesn't mean I wasn't very wrong. As much as I am genuinely ashamed of myself, to warn others not to do this is enough for me to feel a little of the guilt lift.
A Sorry Blogger & A Lesson Learnt,
The Girl in the Moonlight.