Sometimes I feel like I'm counting sheep during the day, the world too much for me, my reflection so small compared to the big, scary universe around me.
You know when you're trying to sleep but you can't and so you think 'let's give this counting sheep business another go' and so you lay: 1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep, 4 sheep, 5 sheep; the fluffy creatures jumping over the moon distracting you from the real reason you're still at awake at such a deathly hour? Maybe it's just me but recently, all I do is this. Only, I do it when I'm not even supposed to be sleeping. It's not exactly daydreaming either, it's just a confused haze of the future and fear.
Carrie Hope Fletcher recently posted a video and blog post about how one of her dreams since she was eight was to play the older Eponine in Les Mis and everything she was saying rightly went against every pessimistic thought I have about my ambitions. I want to be a writer but my head says "no", but it doesn't mean the world does.
So, I'm going to take Carrie's advice. Since as long as I can remember I've known that I've wanted to be a writer. Back then I would persist that I would be a novelist and although this would be the dream, I have to keep a slight bit of reality in mind. I know Carrie makes it clear that limits have never stopped her and her brother but if I keep on writing, keep loving writing, then maybe the sky's the limit. Probably not, but just because it might not happen, I shouldn't go out of my way to make sure it doesn't.
I have always been taught in English to be cohesive and this is very close to the definition of not being cohesive! My mind-set towards being some sort of writer (I really don't know what kind of writer I'd like to be) changes all of the time. One day I'll be incredibly optimistic, believing my wildest dreams are accomplishable and one day I'll sigh and think: back-up plan it is. This is what I'm portraying in this blogpost, I know, but I'd like to believe that, maybe - just maybe - my fate isn't down to some "secret club" (as Carrie defines my feeling precisely) and not being from a "well-connected, wealthy background".
I always seem to be writing blogposts about my fear of what's to come and then I'm writing blogposts about how things will slot into place. I just feeling like I'm setting myself limits and I don't think I should be. I mean, why should I? Yet, I do need to be cautious, down to earth. Everything's so confusing and demanding but I know I need to do something instead of counting sheep before darkness falls, waiting for something to happen, to magically get somewhere, for the sheep to stop and for me to drift into a world where I understand who I'm to be.
If I lose this positive mind-set, I'll count sheep until I reach my dreams.
Roses & Perfume,
The Girl in the Moonlight.