The Nervous Plant

I used to deal terribly with nerves. They would consume me and affect performance in regards to whatever event/thing I was anticipating. For me nerves were coupled with anxiety which I don't believe is always the case. It definitely was, for me, before a few years ago, but now any nerves I do feel will either be coupled with excitement or the knowledge that it will be okay/it will be great/it's not going to last for ever etc.

I actually think I was pretty dramatic when it came to exams. I blame my nerves for not doing as well as I wanted to with my GCSEs. It frustrates me to this day. However I don't get too worked up about it because I know I was very nervous, very fearful and very unsure how to deal with it all. The whole experience definitely taught me a few things about dealing with nerves. And I continued to learn- and not just when it came to exams.

So, if I'd have an exam around the age of 15/16 or a running event from 15 and below, the date of the exam/event or whatever it was would be planted in my brain. The nerves, anxiety and genuine fear would feel like it was growing and growing and growing. I actually think it never grew until the day or so before. The nervous plant was pretty tall in the first place. I would genuinely enjoy every day (even super good ones!) less because I was anticipating this date so much. Then, when it was a day or so before (even way before that too!), my whole body would be filled with dread. Complete and utter, terrifying dread. Then when it was the day and it was time, it was all I could think about, all I could talk about and it naturally made facing the task terrible. Sometimes I would chill out when I was taking part in whatever it was but sometimes I would just mess up/do way worse than I could have.

I would ignore that fact that EVERYBODY GET NERVES and yet now it's a massive comfort to me. Think about it- Obama gets nerves; your superhero mother gets nerves; your best friend also taking the exam gets nerves. It is far better to feel surrounded by people feeling the same or capable of feeling the same than to feel alone. And we could never be alone when it comes to feeling nerves.

Another thing is that anything I've experienced would never have caused the end of the world- I hope that's the same for all of us! When I was 16 and below I needed to focus on that way more. Really, nothing ended disastrously. So I should have sat back and enjoyed the ride as much as possible. I should have felt calm and aced everything as much as I could have. I know now more than ever that as long as you try hard, what does anything matter?

Another thing that springs to mind is preparation. It's key. I wasn't perfect from 17 onwards when it came to this and this year at university, I know I have not ever been 100% prepared. Sometimes I've really sucked. But when I know I have prepared well/as much as possible, what else can I do when the clock strikes 9am and I have an exam? When I'm sat at an exam table it does comfort me that I can't revise anymore- that's it! It's time.

Nerves can be nasty things, but it is possible to deal with them and even thrive with them- they can be your best friend if you want them to be/can find a way. You can even ignore them. When I started my first job, I simply refused to work myself up before the day. Completely ignoring the evil side of nerves works- they do go away! When it came to my first day I simply used my nerves and turned them into confidence. I faked it until I made it.

Nerves don't have to be scary. They don't even have to exist. But we can work wonders with them.

Calm & Excited,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

Only Healthy Friendships

Friendships can be complicated things. I always wish they weren't but different friendships have taught me a plethora of things. I have learnt how to be patient through friendships; how to truly say sorry because of a couple of friendships; how sometimes a friend can really hurt you. A particularly new friendship has shown me how you can meet someone almost just like you and you can thrive happily with this discovered twin. And it is the best thing. I have witnessed such friendships which have had a hint of competitiveness, but I have seen and felt how brilliant this sort of friendship can  be without even a trace of any kind of negative emotion. This friendship among other awesome ones can mean I see faults in others I have and it's important to realise when enough is enough, when you are not benefiting from a friendship while another person may be and when a friendship causes you only upset rather than happiness.

So many friendships are important- friendships, like so much else, do need work. Friendships have varying levels of commitment and may have different purposes. Some that have existed for years and years aren't always better than friendships that have been formed only over a month- sometimes it really is the other way around. No matter what, we choose our friends and it's important to know we are allowed to distance ourselves or even get rid because of many reasons.

I have had a friend who has massively taken advantage of me. I have always wanted to be there for her for reasons I couldn't write down in this post but it doesn't mean she should have been allowed to treat me the ways she often did. I spent a lot of time I wanted to spend being there for her last year... Being there for her a lot. Because I wanted to. It's okay to want to be there for a friend from concern or worry but there are many reasons this can sometimes not be healthy- for I have many friendships where I can be there for them and not feel belittled or unworthy.

Being patronised is my absolute least favourite thing- something the friend in question is amazing at doing. Whenever I'd see her in person, I would know I would be belittled at least three times. And every time I would be. When phrased how she did, I could never find the funny side of it- it's belittling, unnecessary and a form of bullying disguised in a particularly evil way. Not only this but I had a stressful first year of uni and like any of us, I couldn't always answer the phone. Comments were frequently made about this- she found it so easy to passively aggressively tell me how I wasn't there for her on the occasions I wouldn't answer the phone.

Quite frankly, these kinds of friendships grind at me. I get frustrated, upset and ultimately so annoyed I dread talking to these people. When a friendship has run its course it's quite obvious to me; this one ran its course quite a while before I made a stand. I can't say I made a particularly good stand and it came at an awful time but life happens. However, even though all has not been said and closed, the loss of a friendship, I know, must be done, if more good than bad comes from it.

Friendship is one of my absolutely favourite things but they can become laced with bad things that can take up too much of our time and too many of our thoughts. Choose positivity over negativity. Always.

Good Friendships & Smiles,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

Dancing for No Reason

It's been a tough year in terms of essays and exams at university. I have let myself down and partially it is because I had lost sight of how it is I find it easier to work. I stopped giving myself the best chance because I just couldn't find "my way" of writing essays/revising again. With the knowledge that these summer exams are very vital for me, I am so delighted that I have found a new way to revise, take it all in and feel confident (sometimes methods that did once work stop working). There is also a balance to working alongside university- letting university (college, school or general work) and education be your pal and not your enemy. Breaks are so important and filling them wisely (something that allows for relaxing or improving yourself in some way!) is absolutely necessary.

Dancing.

Without thinking too much into it I have repeatedly filled revision breaks (5-10 minutes ones) with dancing. I realised this this morning and chuckled. I am no dancer. I'll put a song on and just let loose. I can't explain how therapeutic. It feels like I'm a toddler and I need to let my energy out, but man, I need to let some energy out. Get rid of the tension.

I sometimes might accompany my dancing with singing and quite honestly, I'm having the best time ever. I had a friend round who was revising with me and we were finding it so hilarious and it put our minds in such a positive place. And that is so important. If I'm lacking motivation or panicking about something revision-y, my thoughts need a burst of long-lasting positivity.

It's so important to find ways of stress relief that suit you. Otherwise we drown in our misery and it's just such an unhealthy way of working. I definitely intend to transfer this stress-relief technique into other areas of my life. I have spoken about before when my mother and I will dance around in the kitchen and I realise I get the same grin on my face. Finding that happiness in a stressful time will always make it a smidge-a big smidge better.

Of course there are other ways to let loose when your mind set is tight and uncomfortable, but if you haven't tried it, please give it a go! This post was my little "me time" after revision for now, but my next break is going to involve dancing to McFly. It's going to be awesome.

Dancing & Singing,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

Today

Of course we are all allowed to make mistakes (okay, there are boundaries), be in bad moods and say the wrong things... However these kinds of things don't define us as long as we accept responsibility when we are wrong, we apologise and we act there onwards with our previous mistake in mind. We don't do it again or we learn how to deal with certain situations better. We improve. Even if there's a one step forward, two steps backwards kind of thing going on.

One thing, though, I have learnt very recently (although it has been at bay for quite a few years now) is that it is most certainly about what we do in our lives that should define us ultimately. Morbid, yes, but I mean when we die we can't expect people to forget how we've acted if we are constantly nasty, unreasonable and never willing to apologise and improve ourselves. And it's for ourselves that we need to help ourselves today (of course it's for others too). I would hate to die (I am cringing writing this but I should be posting a post about taboos like death very soon and so I don't think I should be cringing) and for fake words to be said about me: people saying that I was great person but they don't really mean it. The thought makes me incredibly sad. I want any thoughts about me to be as awesome as I can possible make them. As good. As sincere as possible.

And this means loving today. Being there for people today. Being there for myself today. Trying hard for myself today. Cheering people up today. I won't be losing my temper; I won't be stooping as low as those who may try to bring me down. Not today. Not ever. I will be snapping out of bad moods as quickly as possible and loving as much as possible every day. Starting with today.

I have learnt this lesson from someone too close to me. It should be how someone acts that defines our feelings towards them. Once it's pushed too far, it's time to move on. They can try to make you feel bad about it but it's their actions that have caused this reaction. It might suck; it might be hard. Because we cared. But sometimes you've got to just move on. I shouldn't keep forgiving because maybe one day a leopard might just change their spots. Too much hurt has been caused and I'm out of there.

Anything could happen today/tomorrow/in a month. So if negativity has been pushed too far, get rid of it! Use the negativity people want to create and form it into an awesome outlook- think, at least I don't thrive off of making people unhappy! At least I think before I speak. At least I can realise when I am being unreasonable and take a few moments. It's so important that we know what is important in our life. That positivity is crucial- and if we can't find it, any steps that can contribute to positivity as soon as possible. When we know what is important in our lives while being a good person, we can be the happiest.

Don't wait until tomorrow to learn. To love. To live.

Today & Tomorrow,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

Creatively Charged

A couple of weeks ago I was watching a video by Carrie Hope Fletcher and she was talking about how creatively charged she was/is! The phrase immediately provoked my own thoughts about it and I knew instantly the idea was relevant to me, particularly at the time. And, thankfully, it still is! I want to talk about my thoughts related to this phrase and how it is definitely applying to my life right now. Also, I want to speak about how I ultimately always seek to be creatively charged; however that may be. It's very important to me.

To be creatively charged is to feel excited and yet relaxed. It's to feel at home. Something in me feels accomplished and settled and like I'm snuggled up on the sofa with a blanket when I am creatively charged- even if I can't yet produce my creativity. It's like all that I've wanted has come true. I've worked hard and been rewarded by the loveliest night in. I grin a lot when my creative charge is on full battery. Or near it. I love that feeling. Why would I not adore a feeling that makes me so full of sunshine?

Back to a couple of weeks ago. I had a lot, a lot of ideas to blog about. Ideas that weren't even just a title/a thought. I knew I could write all of them if I had the time to sit down and not use my laptop for university work only (I had to use breaks as my exercise/talking to people time). This very post is an example of just that! I was - what felt like - constantly inspired and thinking of ideas to write about. I didn't have the choice but to only write the main thought/title down with any other thoughts, put it a little - but never completely - more further to the back of my mind (of course I was still thinking a lot about it all and more!) and learn to prioritise.

An aim for me is to always be a type of prepared that means I can still read, write and exercise. I am good with making sure I exercise (a horn that should be tooted- for all of us!), but books (despite being my favourite thing) can easily be neglected- and my writing too. However university has become increasingly time consuming and it has had to be at the forefront of my mind. Now, with some moments to spare, I must fuel my creatively charged heart, soul and fingers.

I've written about it before in another way, but I always want to be creatively charged. Always. Even if it's to a lesser extent, it is one of the most fulfilling feelings to feel like my mind is full of ideas that make me only see rainbows when it rains. It's so much more rainy when my creative charge is running out of battery. Yes, it sucks when I simply can't accommodate to my creative charge, but that is very exciting in comparison to no creative thoughts at all. Let's be thankful for that!

We are all different, of course. This isn't to say everyone should find a big slice of happiness in creativity, but I sure do encourage it!

Creative Charge & A Happy Heart,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

What About the "Everyday" Stories?

Today I have been thinking about a couple of particular stories (I won't name them so as not to spoil a single thing). One is a book and one is a film. I noticed, with the book, and so did my mother when she read the book after me and a friend when they watched the film adaptation, that the first chapters/scenes are characterised by normal, everyday events or memories. Then with the second story - which is one I have only experienced through the film adaptation - I noticed (as did others I watched it with) that the majority of the film is what could be considered as an "every day story." One friend even noted that as much as they were enjoying it, it seemed pointless until events at the end.

Now, of course, nothing about these two works is pointless when it comes to it being related to the "main event"- both stories build up to the event awesomely. I enjoyed reading and watching the "everydayness" up until the main plot was revealed. They are two of my favourite stories I've experienced being told through the medium of book or film. Today, though, it has occurred to me that there needs to be more "everyday" (a word that should not every been synonymous with pointless) stories told. I know there will be millions that exist and I haven't seen but stories we know or are heavily advertised are likely to involve a really big event. These stories are so important. Stories that talk about cancer or other illnesses; death; important lessons; an important friendship; a story of exploring and inventing... They are stories we need to see. Humankind will do well to listen to these stories.

Putting these amazing, brilliant, insightful and necessary stories aside, I think we need more stories without plot twists- without a particular theme that traditionally "grips" people. There are lots of stories I know about everyday people I can relate to- many that I adore. However something is missing in the world of stories. I know many would say these stories that seem normal/average (whether they are stories involving lots of happy characters or simply scenarios we have experienced or could experience) lack any real reason to be on our screen or in our hands.

I disagree.

I really am not disregarding the abundance of films that are very "everyday-y" but where's the story about a family... just about a family. No massive twist; maybe no massive character development. Or about the journey for a young girl wanting to become a teacher. On paper, yeah, okay, people would find this suggestion laughable. But aren't these real stories? So many of us have an interest in people and their lives- why wouldn't we want to read about these stories we can empathise with the most? I'm not disregarding "everyday" stories that may seem so different from my life personally- those count too!

I'm not sure where I'm going with these thoughts- but, hey, doesn't that just show that this random thought, for me, needed to be written down... Like a millionbilliontrillion stories we haven't discovered yet- maybe in fear of the world assuming they are too boring and too pointless, when in fact, I bet they're the stories that could become absolute favourites of all of ours.

What do you think?

Warm Air & Curly Hair,

The Girl in the Moonlight.