However, the happiness I got from writing these stories secretly was always shadowed by my embarrassment.
"Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know."
I feel vulnerable writing. My heart feels clouded by fear that I'm putting too many of my feelings out there, on the sometimes scary, dark internet. Writing is sometimes, for me, about being honest, making things raw. However, when I want to type something but not open up too much, with the fear of overdoing it, my spirits are dampened.
My fear of not being good sometimes rains on my parade. It can cause me to be a little scared of letting my fingers tap away at the keyboard. It can be restricting. What if I'm writing gibberish? What if no one understands the point I'm trying to make? What if, anyone who reads this is just thinking: "What is this garbage?"
I've outlined the downside, for me, about writing but now let me tell you about the side that makes me see sunshine on an English September day, a rainbow when there's continuous rain and blue skies when clouds are distorting my happiness. (Jeesh, give it up already!)
Writing makes me excited. I could be out shopping and suddenly, a thought will shine above everything else and I'll be planning what I'm to write. I could be anywhere in my bubble of life and, suddenly, something will catch my eye and I'll have something to write about. This excites me a lot. It's the endless possibilities of having something I didn't know about in the morning to write about when I'm back at my laptop, ready to finally let my thoughts be written.
Writing is my place to go when I want to rant, express happiness or put my thoughts into chunks of text. It's the thing that makes me sigh with happiness: I get my point of view across somehow.
Writing allows me to put my umbrella down when rain is falling and dance in it; it makes me brave. I write things that I couldn't possibly say aloud, things I wouldn't have the courage to come to a conclusion about normally. For example, I can take an abstract idea, like, love and pour my thoughts into something more solid than a fleeting pondering. I don't always like that writing makes me vulnerable, but sometimes, I do. However, I also write things that I am passionate about, things that I want the world to know that I see the sad eclipse something may bring (yes, I'm talking about my plethora of posts on gay rights). I enjoy being able to write things that allow me to think outside of the box. It's exciting and challenging.
Writing makes me happy when things aren't always bright. I can go to my room and type away, letting any sadness lessen because I'm doing something I love. Although I fear how bad I may be, it also doesn't matter to me because writing brings me joy when my head feels like thunder.
I'm not a blogger with an amount of followers that is incomprehensible; I don't get tens of comments (in fact, I never have!) on my posts; I don't get hundreds and hundreds of views on each post I publish. Yet, that's ok. I (as I'm sure those on the opposite side of the blogger spectrum do too) appreciate every follower, every comment and every view. Why? That'll be because I didn't start blogging to have all of the crazy stuff: I did it because I love writing. That's why writing's wonderful. It's personal. It's eye opening. You can explore a subject and come to a conclusion all in one moment. It's exciting.
If you're like me and a little apprehensive, nervous and embarrassed about writing: You shouldn't be. Writing is your thing. Writing may be your haven. I choose not to show people, but I love it more than I am embarrassed by it because it's all of the above and so much more.
Clouded Skies & Green Grass,
The Girl in the Moonlight.