I have written a couple of posts about loneliness (HERE and HERE) and for me, I actually enjoy being alone sometimes. Despite having fab family and friends, being by myself, for me, can be freeing. Today, however, I felt the very opposite of being content with the feeling of loneliness.
I felt like I was living in a silent movie; watching everyone talk as if with subtitles because I had to focus really hard to think about anything other than a sad feeling rising in my gut. I felt slightly self-absorbed but that really isn't always wrong. I don't think it's bad to feel sorry for yourself but, today, I really did and I didn't enjoy it all that much (not that anyone does).
I think my loneliness was triggered by a mixture of things: panic, fear and stress. I had loads of people around me, but I felt very alone. Every now and then I get the feeling that I don't belong. Today was very much so one of those days. All in one moment, I suddenly felt very isolated. It was most definitely not because of my amazing friends, I just felt like I didn't have a set place at college. It was kind of soul-destroying for a moment or two (a day) but it is passing and very close to being passed. Also, suddenly, everything future wise became all too stressful which, in turn did not make me feel much better.
I am writing this post as I know that loneliness hits us sometimes, more for some and less for others. I hope that you, if you ever get lonely, know that there are, even if you can't see them, so many reasons for you not to be lonely. I wasn't actually alone today but that's not really what loneliness is always about. I could have and should have turned to someone who would want to hear me talk about it to make me at ease and I know that now. I hope you're having the best day and if not, I'm sending you lots of virtual smiles and shooting stars.
As emotion is a good starter for writing, I thought I'd get a bit personal with you today, starting a new "series", if you like, called "Dear Diary". I'm not one for personal posts that are very much related to my life but I wanted to type type type my worries away. I hope you didn't mind it!
I think I might go and watch a non-silent movies so I can find my own voice.
Magic & Confetti Stars,
The Girl in the Moonlight.