Biting One's Tongue

I feel like I have recently come across people and situations that have caused a feeling I find super ugly to feel- a specific version of frustrated and angry. I get worked up, whether I make it clear or not. If I settle my frustration (by saying something) I'm going to feel annoyed all the same and if I don't, I'll spend my time getting more worked up I never said anything. This whole process is not something I enjoy and yet it's not a feeling I can avoid.

I don't consider myself an argumentative person but I'm not very good at biting my tongue. I don't want to call this a bad thing but at the same time I do need to master the art of biting my tongue. Mainly for my own peace because there are more things that matter. I feel this frustrated feeling bubbling up inside me (which is likely to end in me saying something) in front of people who have said or done something I believe is wrong and I want to make it clear I believe they are wrong. And yet the feeling of correcting someone in situations like this (I will only be this frustrated if someone has been out of line) doesn't feel much better than the feeling of frustration.

This feeling comes from a certain situation I'm trying to pinpoint but can't quite. I will always believe standing up for everything I believe in is a must but it's the little frustrating things... the frustrating people that I'm not sure about anymore. It's definitely context dependent but I want to improve on ignoring the incredibly frustrating people that make disgusting comments.

More often than not, yes, I won't bite my tongue but it's because I'm faced with individuals who are genuinely testing and more often and not, they bite back in a careless way. Whether they do or not, they don't care and it frustrates me that I've spent time in my day caring about the whole situation.

I am in close contact with a couple of people right now who make me feel this "do I bite my tongue or do I go straight ahead" feeling and so I need to make a decision. Once again, it is context dependent but I'm going to work on not getting worked up and biting my tongue more and more.

Good Words & Love,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

Both Are Brilliant

Last week I went to the cinema to watch Me Before You. I'm not going to go into how amazingincredibleohmygoodnesswow it was because I will write a film review, but today I want to touch upon one of the main themes. Although I don't think it's a spoiler, if you don't like any spoilers at all, look away now! (Well, for the whole post!)

Ambition and the different versions of ambition.

Before Will Traynor's accident he may as well have been nicknamed "Overreacher." His life was action-packed. He was constantly overreaching. There was nothing he wouldn't try; no sport he couldn't do. It was his main drive. And then it was taken away from him. Lou Clark, however, loves her home. She loves her job. She doesn't ever want to move or change.

Throughout the novel Will scolds her for her way of life. He calls it "boring." She disagrees. And yet they learn from each other. He sees the magic in her simplicity and she sees excitement in "different."

One might immediately call Lou less ambitious than Will. Less adventurous. Less "carpe diem." Yet I believe ambition isn't a notion to be pinpointed. Lou isn't less ambitious than Will; their ambitions are different. I personally definitely have Lou's love of simple things- books and the feeling of home. And yet I have a good smidge of Will's adventure (no where near as extreme though!): I love new challenges and running and pushing my body to my version of extremes. This makes my ambition different to Lou's and different to Will's; different to my mum's and different to my friends'.

It's ignorant to call someone else's ambition "less worthy" than our own expectation of ambition. It's ignorant for a million reasons but it's because we can't ever fully understand someone else's goals and norms and expectations. That's what goes on in their head... Not ours.

Importantly, what we can learn from differences in ambition is that we can take on others' ambition if we want to. In different ways, Will and Lou experienced each other's ambition and norms. Their characters develop from it. I have my own ambition- that is someone else's nightmare; someone else's "easy." And that is A-Okay. I personally want to feed off of others' ambition in the best possible way. I personally (which may not be the best route for others) want to stay true to my own ambition too. Both are possible. For me, both are brilliant.

Home & Away,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

Thoughts on "Making It"

Yesterday I watched a video Carrie Hope Fletcher made about her thoughts on "making it" in life in general (HERE!). It sparked a lot of my own thoughts- my first ones matching up to hers. Like she says, I believe thinking you have hit all possible goals you've wanted to hit is a very dangerous way of thinking. It encourages complacency. It limits you and creates a "well it doesn't get better than this" attitude, which could make you happy or sad. I don't think it is always for the wrong reasons but my main aim in life is to develop and to always aim to be a better version of myself. Until my very last day on earth.

I thought I'd address the thought of "making it" by first thinking of my hobbies. I actually don't think I have ever thought I have "made it" in terms of running or writing (my favourite two hobbies), but I have considered the concept when thinking about these hobbies. For example, I want to run a marathon one day but I can't imagine ever participating in an event that involves more than 26 miles. I will run a marathon one day and I wonder how I'll keep my goals going after that day happens. Having this knowledge before I actually complete this goal does mean I should keep bettering myself- especially as there are a million ways to after running a marathon.

And then there's writing. More specifically writing with regards to my blog. The Girl in the Moonlight is an anonymous site and I do worry I'll eventually wonder how much further I can go with it. Once again, because I am thinking this now, it should mean I can always keep going. This worry, though, is a sadder version of "making it"- more like I could exhaust the hobby. I fear, because I won't be able to show anyone this blog, I'll think, well, what else can I do now? But that is a sadder version of "making it" that I don't wish to entertain.

I think the answer must be that we must always - at the highs and the lows - be thinking of how to keep bettering ourselves/ourselves with regards to something else (like a hobby).

Imagine my dream comes true and I actually publish a book. It's my absolute dream and one I really want to pursue in any way I possibly can. I don't ever want to think, "Well, I have done that now... what's next?" I want to think, "Let's start planning what IS next!" I don't want to stop at one book (even if I independently carry this out and there is next to no attention that comes with it), and I don't want publishing one meaning my creativity is stunted.

As humans, when we believe we have made it, we believe we have quitted- even if we technically haven't. Even if we have millions and millions of pounds from our company that is still booming, we might become obsessed with the money it brings us and think "I've got money... what else do I need?" We might not even be involved in the thing that is giving us such "happiness." We might think money is our companion- not love; not friendship; not hobbies outside of this thing we strive towards called money. That's not making it; that's the worst form of content.

I personally don't want to limit myself in any way- even if I only write a book that isn't even published. That's not just that. I can still blog; try to get articles published... the list is endless. Everything is endless. So how can anything be considered "making it"? Not one of us can do everything that we are capable of and want to do. Out of the endless possibilities for my life, I want to make as big of an impact in them as possible.

Goals & More Goals,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

Reasons to Stay Alive - Matt Haig

Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig is the first book I will recommend to anyone. I don't even need anyone to ask for a recommendation- everyone needs to read this book. It is SO IMPORTANT that everyone read this book. It's an honest, brilliant and incredibly necessary portrayal of Matt Haig's struggle with mental health.

This book is a best friend for anyone: someone who is struggling with any mental illness; someone who has never experienced any mental health issues and wants to educate themselves about it all; someone who has never experienced any mental health issues but they are someone, like us all, who may; someone who knows someone struggling with mental health illnesses.

I'll say it one last time: everyone needs to read this book.

I always want to find out more about mental health and my want to know more won't stop here. But the lessons I learnt from this book will always stay with me. The book did teach me a lot about mental health that I didn't know before or had never crossed my mind. Ignorance in ways like this is fine if we are passionate in amending it. One main thing I took away is that pills work for some people but don't for others. Haig is very clear about this message and he shows his alternatives and I can imagine this is incredibly useful for those struggling.

Reading is an experience I find very personal and it becomes even more personal and meaningful when a story like Matt Haig's is in front of me. It meant I felt and feel very invested in anyone's life that is, has or will be affected by mental health issues. Reading such an honest account of depression is heartbreaking but cannot be ignored. Depression is of course a nasty, vicious character but it can be fought if we raise awareness and help everyone out.  

The book didn't just teach me- it uplifted me and gave me hope. It gave me hope for myself and for others. I think this book is an absolute treasure and is a book I will always be so glad I read.

Uplifted & Hopeful,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

P.S. I am sorry, once again, for the terrible photo and the fact enlarging it makes it very fuzzy... so I didn't enlarge!

Rainy Day Writing

I've had a lot of ideas for blog posts I want to write for a very long time now and yet when I've logged on to my blog I have been searching for different ideas to write about. And I like this. Today I will be writing a post that isn't one I have been planning to write which means I have lots more ideas to fulfil another day. And this thought brought me to this very post. Why I love writing. And so my first of many reasons that I just can't cover in one post for loving writing is that writing brings me endless ideas. It might not always feel like it but sometimes I'm so constantly inspired and ready that I feel like I have a lot of support behind me- presented by the ideas I have to write in the future!

Processing events - no matter how big or small - that I feel like I need to process are always best dealt with through writing. Whether it's on the blog or a piece of paper, if I'm happy/stressed/sad/inspired or any other kind of emotion, the best outlet for me is writing about it or because of it. Writing is especially helpful if I don't feel like talking is necessary or I've said all I want to say about something.

Writing is my version of someone else's singing; dancing; cooking. It's my version of someone else's writing. Writing is mine. And it's different to someone else's version. It's just one of my things. I love writing because I have my own special and personal experience with it. It's my way of unwinding and having fun. It's an experience I could never fully explain to someone else- not even in this post! I can't explain the joy it brings me. That's something only my pieces of writing and I know!

Writing is one of the effective methods of communication I choose. Some would choose dancing or singing or speaking. My favourite form to use is writing. To channel passion/adoration/happiness/frustration. It's once again an endless process. Whatever I want to do, I get to do!

Just to finish the post I'll tell you the main thing I have loved about writing today... Writing on a rainy day. Is there anything better?! It's a bit chilly; a bit rainy; a lotta grey. My head was getting a bit clouded with the many things I need to get done and I knew I was experiencing a headache brought on by me obsessing with thinking about it. So I headed over to my best friend, The Girl in the Moonlight and told her all about it. And now my headache has gone. Thank you rainy day, for making me all snug while I type, type, type away!

Rainy & Writing Days,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

Aim: Humane

I have been at a loss for words since I found out about Christina Grimmie's death on Saturday morning. I adored the girl- she was an inspiration of mine from a young age. I don't know how to put into words what her YouTube videos meant to me and how devastated I am for her family and friends, and of course, her. And then the next morning I heard about the shooting in an Orlando gay night club and I just can't stomach it all. It seems like bad news after bad news and I started to question whether we do live in a world that's getting better and better.

Every death is devastating and I can't rate one death as "more tragic" than another- that wouldn't be right. But all deaths are different. And when a death is murder it's a kind of different that makes me so unbearably sad. Sad because I'm affected and sad because I can't imagine the pain of those close to the victims. As soon as a person is murdered they are victims in an entirely new way. "Victim" will often replace their names and that's all because of someone else. Because someone else couldn't perform the simple act of being humane.

Guns.

Christina Grimmie was many things. For me she was an idol (in an awesome sense of the word). I admired her singing and her attitude and her way of representing herself. A lot of our interests and lifestyle choices aren't the same and yet how she lived was a way I live/want to live. With kindness. With happiness. With doing what she loved. For others she was a sister/a daughter/a friend. And all because of one selfish man and a twisted view of the world, I no longer get to adore her singing voice and get excited about where she is going in life. And then there are her family and her friends and the plethora of things they are now missing.

Guns.

And then the Orlando gun shooting- a horrific event that produced a number of deaths I can't write down, injuries and the further confirmation that the world still doesn't see homosexuality as it damn well should: normal. The LGBT community responded admirably and with strength and I stand with them- as we all should. The poor victims; the poor families; the poor friends. All in a world that needs to stricter gun laws- I find it astounding guns are even allowed to be possessions across the world. It's an idea that's completely alien and disgusting to me. The right to bear arms is an Amendment in the Constitution I have no respect for. Stricter gun laws are the first damn necessity if America have to be so archaic. And then no guns. Please.

Guns.

And then as I was about to finish this post off I hear about Jo Cox, Labour MP: shot and stabbed. Another man injured too. There aren't too many facts right now but what I do know is that the world needs a telling off that results in a worldwide change in mentality. I am thinking about the victims of today's events constantly and hoping for the best.

Christina Grimmie only spread positivity. Not one person should die from being shot and I repeat no death can be deemed "more tragic" but I just can't fathom why she was shot. And then the shooting at Pulse night club in Orlando. Another set of lives marking another historical point where homosexuality somehow was the target. The poor, poor victims. Jo Cox- an MP; a mother; a wife; a person.

So for Christina Grimmie, the victims of the Orlando gay club shooting, Jo Cox and everyone past, present and future affected by guns, I pledge to carry on the conversation about limiting and abolishing guns. Do you?

Hope & Change,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

For Her and For Him

Alan and all of his friends know he isn't one to entertain loneliness. He doesn't know anyone else who thought of it in this way- that you can ignore loneliness. Some people find it infuriating; slightly ignorant. But since his wife had died ten years before and his kids had already flown the nest and begun their adult lives, Alan made the conscious decision to make some kind of peace with lonely.

And he doesn't feel ungrateful. Not at all. His eldest who lives three hours away with his kids and lovely wife visits at least twice a month; his middle kid making it big with her writing in London calls every night; his youngest boy living some kind of bachelor life Alan doesn't need to know about is always at his table for Sunday lunch every week. And Alan visits his kids and grandkids as much as he can- offering any help he can. His family is his life. But the rest of his life is full of hours which he does fill with emptiness.

He made a promise to his wife Katrina. A promise that even if he couldn't find love again when she died that he would be happy... For her; for him.

So, every week Alan falls into a routine. A routine Alan is happy to buddy up with. As soon as the sun rises on a Monday Alan goes for a jog. Despite being careful of his ageing knees and not being nearly as fit as he was once upon a time, he finds happiness in the friendship his feet find with the field he runs around. The rest of Monday is devoted to snooker with his friends at the club. He doesn't drink much but will nurse one drink on a Monday. Tuesday is a day for gardening. Wednesday is for cooking a fancy dinner- like a dinner he would make for his wife every Wednesday when she was alive. On Thursdays Alan plays golf with his best friend Mike. On Fridays he is invited round to Mike's house every week without fail to eat dinner with him and his wife, Angie. On Saturdays he has a lie in and reads a newspaper over a fry up. He watches sport on the TV and takes a long walk. After Johnny leaves following Sunday lunch and a catch up Alan will catch a film at the local cinema or watch the sunset if the sun is to set early in the evening.

One thing that rarely changes is his evenings. He places himself on the sofa next to the ghost of his wife and he watches TV. Some might call these evenings lonely but he is just making space for Katrina to come home. He knows that she's not coming home but spending the evenings how he and his wife would brings her back to his heart. He'll sometimes do a crossword or a word search to fill the space where he and his wife would play board games. Or he'll read a book; a book like they would choose to read together. Every Saturday they'd pop into town and buy two copies of the same book and without fail they would finish it by the end of the week and chat about it on one of the evenings that followed. A promise he made her without even asking is that he would keep this tradition and tell her all about the book on his weekly visit to see her. Although he never uttered the word "grave", they both sadly knew what he was referring to.

The life he lived with her might not have been sophisticated and exciting to some but it was his favourite life. The most fulfilling life he could have ever dreamed of. Before the kids, during the kids and once the kids had all left, Alan and Katrina had a beautiful life. They adored watching them grow into the wonderful humans they truly are and cherished their grandkids with all of their hearts. And as soon as the kids left they settled into this evening routine and it excited Alan every day.

For her and for him, Alan leads a pleasant life. He could choose to feel lonely when darkness drops and there is an empty space behind him, but she really is there. With him. Every step of the way.

~

Have a lovely Saturday!

Crosswords & Board Games,

The Girl in the Moonlight.

Age-Old Excitement

I used to find a lot of friendship in watching films. Buying a new DVD - particularly the awesome £3-£5 ones you could pick up in ASDA - was one of my favourite things. I am pretty upset I have lost this habit (although my purse is probably thanking me). For me, one of the best things about the weekend arriving was the fact I could sit in my room on a Sunday and watch a couple of the films I'd watch on an almost weekly basis whilst watching old or new ones too.

Although I don't actually have the time for this anymore, I could totally make more time for watching at least one film at the weekend. As I used to think "films" as soon as I heard "weekend", I'd like to bring a smidge of this back. I would be completely disconnected from everything - even when I got my first phone - and I'd just enjoy a story. In my room... alone... with some of the best company in the world. At least that's what I believed.

I don't particularly watch TV anymore (I mostly just become attached to a series on Netflix every now and then) and even though I am happy about this, I think I have lost a bit of young excitement through ignoring the brilliance that is film. I do still recognise this young excitement feeling. Quite often actually. When I am reading a book with no other distractions around me; when McFly are making my ears happy; when I am writing. However I do need this one portion of young me back.

Activities I associate with my childhood will always be activities I cherish and adore. The conflict is that they also make me two kinds of nostalgic. One good. And one that makes me a bit teary (although that isn't always bad). I am a nostalgic human and I wish nostalgia didn't sometimes make me sad but I guess that means I care. And the film watching me that found absolute, whole excitement from being by herself and watching a film or three makes me grin.

As soon as possible I am going to stare at my DVD collection and have a real think. I am currently thinking about 13 Going on 30 or Freaky Friday or What Happens in Vegas. Whatever I choose I'm going to snuggle up in bed and forget the adult world and sink into one of my childhood/teenage favourite films.

What's something from your childhood that you want to start doing again?

Old & New Films,

The Girl in the Moonlight.